Please Don’t Give Yourself Quarantine Bangs

Three weeks into isolation, I’ve developed certain quarantine habits. I cook, usually pasta but occasionally something a bit more ambitious (and nutritious). I wash a seemingly endless supply of dirty dishes from the aforementioned cooking. I move from chair to couch to bed, praying to find a space where I can work uninterrupted for more than half an hour. I go on walks to my local park where I scowl at couples walking hand in hand, flaunting to the world that they are the lucky ones still having sex while the rest of us are getting increasingly chafed and lonely. I visit the grocery store, grabbing even more boxes of pasta and snack packs of chocolate pudding.

These are all fairly standard, productive and healthy habits. But there is something else I do almost daily — something far less healthy and more insidious: I fantasize about giving myself bangs.

This is not a new phenomenon. Every few months, like clockwork, an itch starts under my skin to change something about my appearance. This usually manifests as a new color (last year alone I was a brunette, a blonde, a brunette, a blonde and finally a brunette with highlights), but I promised myself last fall that I would stop coloring my hair to keep it healthy. So now, when that itch starts again, I find myself thinking about bangs. And I don’t just think about them, I mock them up. Every few days, I load a new selfie into FaceApp and give myself a digital haircut, occasionally posting the results online. Right before I went into quarantine, I tweeted an altered selfie (pictured above), in which I’d given myself blonde hair and bangs, hours after posting the original, unedited version. The bangs got more likes.

I know, logically, that I don’t actually want bangs. In reality, they make my long face longer (my chin is a little pointy), despite their purpose mostly being to camouflage my forehead. I’m also a sweaty girl, so they’d always be damp and stuck to my face. I’d get sick of them in a few weeks, but be stuck growing them out for a year.

Related | How Should Influencers Act During a Pandemic?

But still… I want them. And I’m not alone. Jokes about giving yourself bangs during quarantine have dominated my Twitter feed for the past two weeks (which have felt like two years). “How im pullin up to my hair salon after I cut my own bangs and dyed my hair during quarantine,” someone wrote alongside Joe Exotic’s mugshot. “idk who need to hear this but… DONT GIVE YOURSELF QUARANTINE BANGS. DONT DO THAT TO YOURSELF,” advised another. We are all united in two things: Our inability to stop masturbating and our knowledge that panic bangs are not a good idea.

What is the point, after all? I’m currently washing my hair maybe once a week and the only person I see is my roommate and the friends I FaceTime. My hair is usually tied up with a scrunchie or hidden in the folds of whatever moldy hoodie I’ve found on my closet floor. If I were to give myself a new haircut, who would enjoy it besides the supermarket cashier I’m pretty sure is judging me for all the aforementioned chocolate pudding I’m buying? Do I really need to shake the girls in my next Zoom chat badly enough to risk ruining my hair? Giving myself bangs in quarantine is as pointless as filling up my online shopping cart with transitional spring jackets. Read the room, babe!

Even those of us who already have bangs are smart enough not to attempt a home trim. My friend Shon Faye says she absolutely would not attempt to maintain her own fringe for however long we’re stuck inside. “My hand eye coordination is abysmal. I would fuck it up and look awful and be in a foul mood.” Before social distancing, Faye would regularly get her fringe trimmed every three-to-five weeks, and the prospect of not being able to maintain her current cut is “annoying, naturally, because the style suits me best and I went back to bangs after spending a year growing them out because they look better.” She adds, “But at least growing them out will be easier when I’m not seeing anyone. It’s hardly the worst thing about this crisis!”

“We’re all having a Joan of Arc moment right now, where we’re ripping away at ourselves, and we’re eating our own hands, and we’re just trying to find some sensibility of who we are again.”

The longer we’re stuck inside, the more likely some of us are to get stir crazy enough to start experimenting with our scissors. While I’m hoping that whatever latent crafty impulses slumber within me will be appeased by the home tiedye kit I forgot I owned, I reached out to my own hair stylist for his opinion on quarantine panic bangs. Shockingly enough, he says go for it!

Sean Bennett, the “hair bender” and wig wizard behind some of PAPER’s most outrageous shoots, thinks now is the perfect time to experiment. “We’re all having a Joan of Arc moment right now, where we’re ripping away at ourselves, and we’re eating our own hands, and we’re just trying to find some sensibility of who we are again,” he says. “If you can, have some harnessing power over yourself and do something. It could be your bangs or it could be your hair, chopping away at yourself.” Giving yourself bangs in a moment of crisis is the femme version of bleaching or buzzing off your hair — a time honored tradition of unhinged gay men, Bennett reminds me.

Quarantine might not seem like the time to be radically altering your appearance, but Bennett argues it makes sense, considering we’re seeing ourselves now more than ever. “We are having all these zoom chats… where you’re looking essentially at yourself,” he says, referring to the window in all video chat platforms where the user’s own face is visible. “I don’t know how many people are looking at other people, but I’m always looking at myself.” Ok, same.

Related | You Should All Be Practicing Masturbation Meditation

Now, Bennett claims, “is the time to give yourself some funny ass haircut” because you’re the only one dealing with it. “You can have maybe a false sense of confidence,” he continues. “You’re not having to go out in the world with it, and going into the club or going to the bar and people seeing it up close. Maybe this is your time to really experiment with your look.”

If you’re going to go through with your quarantine cut, whatever style it may be, Bennett advises finding a specific reference point for your desired look, and not being overly ambitious. He points to Angelina Jolie’s choppy, cropped bangs in 1995’s Hackers as something fun but achievable. “She has a very fucked up bang,” Bennett says, lovingly. “It looked like someone took a bunch of ketamine and some safety scissors and just went for it.”

Bennett advises to always work with dry hair, using plenty of mirrors to see from every angle, and working with gravity rather than against it. “You don’t want to be lifting anything up.” And if you’re lucky enough to be quarantined with a roommate or partner, have them help. “Kitchen scissors are fine. Anything that you feel is sharp. A dull scissor is obviously going to give a duller, more broken look.”

Also, don’t cut your bangs live on Instagram, where so many people have gone to pass the time. “You’re so worried about looking cool on the video that you’re not actually going to be taking into consideration the real world sensibility.” And of course, slow and steady wins the race. “This whole bang trim could take two hours. It’s not like you’re going anywhere.”

And that leaves me right where I started — alone in my apartment with a pair of scissors and a rapidly deteriorating tether to reality. Do I follow in Shon’s footsteps and leave my hair alone until the world returns to whatever our new normal will be post-pandemic? Or do I follow Sean’s advice and give myself a snip and hope for the best? Realistically, I’m not going to risk it. Instead, I’ll embrace the fact that, now more than ever, we live in a digital world and keep editing haircuts and getting creative with my selfie angles. And who knows, maybe Zoom has a fringe filter in the works…

Welcome to You’ve Been Served, Rose Dommu’s alternately irreverent and incisive look at beauty, ranging from the deeply personal to pop cultural — essays, product guides, interviews with artists/influencers/specialists and deep dives into the beauty industry’s impact on internet culture.

Photo courtesy of Rose Dommu/ FaceApp

​CupcakKe – A.U.T.I.S.M Lyrics

[Verse 1]
Every kid with autism know that my heart with ’em
Rather listen to him than the friends he brought with him
Warrior, not a victim, it’s rougher than hard denim
Picture bein’ on beat, they call you a off-rhythm
Okay, here come anxiety, scared to step in society
One shouldn’t be judged of issues, loudly or quietly
Nothin’ weird about ’em, it’s just a fucked up view
He bleed the way you bleed, and his shit red, too
Okay, picture this
You could be the realest nigga speakin’, but ain’t nobody listening
Never bully on a bully, but they always wanna pick up on the innocent
Really not tryna hear it, man, some people really are ignorant and belligerent
But you get the point like a pyramid

[Chorus]
A unique-thinking individual strongly matters
A unique-thinking individual strongly matters

[Verse 2]
I’ma treat you like my own
In my heart, you got a home
You ain’t gotta feel alone, I understand your tone
You can talk to me even if I got 1% on my phone
‘Cause you rush the wrong kid off, they’ll go and stab theirself with a comb
Some, I repeat words, it still need to be heard
I’m tryna hear every verb, I care more than a nurse
The negative not welcome, put the sign up, “Please Don’t Disturb”
If they don’t accept you for who you is, tell ’em they can swerve like [?]
Yeah, you deserve to feel free, live life, and sleep
Always be leery, but have no fear, G
[?] yearly, but life can get eerie
But the only voice I can’t listen to is that annoying bitch Sherry
Okay, no man or woman, we gotta do better
Stronger, it’s funny, we braver together
Cold world, never change your weather
Say what you mean and don’t fall under pressure, yeah
Everything gon’ be fine
And if Humpty Dumpty fall off the wall, tell Humpty Dumpty re-climb

[Chorus]
A unique-thinking individual strongly matters
A unique-thinking individual strongly matters

Mark Ambuter – You Make Everything Alright lyrics

You Are My Love
You Are My Life
Please Don’t Ever Leave Me
Or I would Surely Die
Yes… I Would Surely Die

So Take Me…
C’mon and Make Me
Feel As If I’ll Always Have You…
Cause If You Ever Leave Me
I Would Surely Die
Yes I would Surely Die

Lover… You Are My Lover
You Make Me Laugh You Make Me
Want To Touch You
Lover… You Are My Lover
You Make Everything Alright

Remember Lennon
How He Loved His Yoko
How We loved His Beatles
They Were Our Heart Beat

So Take Me…
C’mon And Make Me
Feel As If I’ll Always Have You
Cause If You Ever Leave Me
I would Surely Die
Yes I would Slowly Die

Lover… You Are My Lover
You Make Me Laugh
You Make Me
Want To Touch You
Lover… You Are My Lover
You Make Everything Alright

So Take Me
C’mon And Make Me
Feel As If I’ll Always Have You
Please Don’t Ever Leave Me
No I would Surely Die
Yes I Wouls Slowly Die
Mmm mmm

Marius Billgobenson – Happy Man In My Singing Woodlands lyrics

Verse I
You Come To Mind Oh Happy Man
When Darkness Turns To Light
Your Forest’s Tales To Worship Gods
Revealed Around My Fire
We Sang The Glory Of The Bees
Their Honey, Gift Of Life

Refrain
Please Don’t Leave The Singing Woods
I Beg You Please Don’t Leave

Verse II
The Congo Shares Her Singing Woods
Your Mercy Clears The Gloom
Receivers of The Changing Tears
The Moonlight Hears The Stars
Future’s Gifts From Genius Kings
Awakens Unborn Minds

Refrain
Please Don’t Leave The Singing Woods
I Beg You Please Don’t Leave

Chorus
Happy Man In The Singing Woods
We Could Learn From Him If We Only Would
Happy Man In The Singing Woodlands
With The Lesson For Us All :||
For Us All
Oh Happy Man

Bridge
The Singing Woods are there for all to hear
And they’ll endure if we don’t interfere

You Bring Me Home Oh Singing Bird
From This Eternal Night
The Stars Know That Your Jar Is Full
In Brightness Of The Day
‘Cause Someone Must Be Missing You
Tonight My Happy Man

Please Don’t Leave The Singing Woods
I Beg You Please Don’t Leave

9MUSES – 러브시티 Love City

Scandal Pop Saucebox 기어올라
Please don’t stop
매력 없는 사이 A danger zone
L.O.V.E Love City
Scandal Pop Saucebox 기어올라
Please don’t stop
매력 없는 사이 A danger zone
L.O.V.E Love City

힐끗대는 시선
왜 자꾸만 보니 기분이 좀 나빠 Boy
슬쩍 웃는 게 한두 번이 아닌 듯
아니라 말해봐

Stop it 사탕 발린 Mouth (Oh, No)
웃기지 마 Oops Oops (Your lie)
Stop it 다가오지 마 (Sorry)
네가 뭔데 Dash Dash (Love City)

당당하게 걸어가
널 미치게 만들지
꽉 다문 도도한 Red Lips
L.O.V.E
뭔가 기대하지 마
어이없어 너 정말
관심 없어 Pretty Boy
Welcome to Love City
Chu Chu Chu
Pa Pa Pa
La La La Stop it boy
단지 귀여울 뿐이야 Love City

Scandal Pop Saucebox 기어올라
Please don’t stop
매력 없는 사이 A danger zone
L.O.V.E Love City

어디다 수를 둬 눈치가 없어
피곤해 죽겠어 너
거짓말만 하는 그 더러운 입술
좀 닫아줄래 Stop it boy

Stupid 사탕 발린 Mouth (Oh, No)
웃기지 마 Oops Oops (Your lie)
Stupid 티 좀 내지 마 (Sorry)
네가 뭔데 Dash Dash (Love City)

당당하게 걸어가
널 미치게 만들지
꽉 다문 도도한 Red Lips
L.O.V.E
뭔가 기대하지 마
어이없어 너 정말
관심 없어 Pretty Boy
Welcome to Love City
Chu Chu Chu
Pa Pa Pa
La La La Stop it boy
단지 귀여울 뿐이야 Love City

Scandal Pop Saucebox 기어올라
Please Don’t Stop
매력 없는 사이 A danger zone
L.O.V.E Love City
Give it a rest 드러내 보여 다
Foolish Boy 가여워 보여
너 어설픈 웃음 어긋난 사이
Another Level 감당이나 하겠니?

단지 귀여울 뿐이야
단지 귀여울 뿐이야
단지 귀여울 뿐이야 (Love City)

당당하게 걸어가
널 미치게 만들지
꽉 다문 도도한 Red Lips
L.O.V.E
뭔가 기대하지 마
어이없어 너 정말
관심 없어 Pretty Boy
Welcome to Love City
Chu Chu Chu
Pa Pa Pa
La La La Stop it boy
단지 귀여울 뿐이야 Love City

L.O.V.E

9MUSES – Lovecity (Sub Español, Hangul, Roma)

L.O.V.E
Scandal Pop Saucebox 기어올라
Please don’t stop
매력 없는 사이 A danger zone
L.O.V.E Love City
Scandal Pop Saucebox 기어올라
Please don’t stop
매력 없는 사이 A danger zone
L.O.V.E Love City

힐끗대는 시선
왜 자꾸만 보니 기분이 좀 나빠 Boy
슬쩍 웃는 게 한두 번이 아닌 듯
아니라 말해봐

Stop it 사탕 발린 Mouth (Oh, No)
웃기지 마 Oops Oops (Your lie)
Stop it 다가오지 마 (Sorry)
네가 뭔데 Dash Dash (Love City)

당당하게 걸어가
널 미치게 만들지
꽉 다문 도도한 Red Lips
L.O.V.E
뭔가 기대하지 마
어이없어 너 정말
관심 없어 Pretty Boy
Welcome to Love City
Chu Chu Chu
Pa Pa Pa
La La La Stop it boy
단지 귀여울 뿐이야 Love City

Scandal Pop Saucebox 기어올라
Please don’t stop
매력 없는 사이 A danger zone
L.O.V.E Love City

어디다 수를 둬 눈치가 없어
피곤해 죽겠어 너
거짓말만 하는 그 더러운 입술
좀 닫아줄래 Stop it boy

Stupid 사탕 발린 Mouth (Oh, No)
웃기지 마 Oops Oops (Your lie)
Stupid 티 좀 내지 마 (Sorry)
네가 뭔데 Dash Dash (Love City)

당당하게 걸어가
널 미치게 만들지
꽉 다문 도도한 Red Lips
L.O.V.E
뭔가 기대하지 마
어이없어 너 정말
관심 없어 Pretty Boy
Welcome to Love City
Chu Chu Chu
Pa Pa Pa
La La La Stop it boy
단지 귀여울 뿐이야 Love City

Scandal Pop Saucebox 기어올라
Please Don’t Stop
매력 없는 사이 A danger zone
L.O.V.E Love City
Give it a rest 드러내 보여 다
Foolish Boy 가여워 보여
너 어설픈 웃음 어긋난 사이
Another Level 감당이나 하겠니?

단지 귀여울 뿐이야
단지 귀여울 뿐이야
단지 귀여울 뿐이야 (Love City)

당당하게 걸어가
널 미치게 만들지
꽉 다문 도도한 Red Lips
L.O.V.E
뭔가 기대하지 마
어이없어 너 정말
관심 없어 Pretty Boy
Welcome to Love City
Chu Chu Chu
Pa Pa Pa
La La La Stop it boy
단지 귀여울 뿐이야 Love City

L.O.V.E

IshDARR – Dumb Playing

[Verse 1: IshDARR]
Platinum medals
Like im back in O state
Life Accomplishments
I’m Looking in my dads face
Jim Tressel knew that I was special in my younger days
Switched my career and told my momma I’m gone innovate
Giannis to a Parker told them all that I’m about to fade
Accurate spectacular
She staying down if I say
Move with aggression
So obsessive
We ameliorate
Fuck niggas
Stay fuck niggas
In this rat race
Treat it like a marathon
Sprint season past days
I pray in the long run
Leave you with a long face
Quit with the small talk
Boy what the charts say
You can ask Ms. Kimbrough
Like since the hallways
Bald fade when I got in trouble
Got my shit together
All age
I’m gone make em love
Make em fucking love it
Partake in that dumb shit
I ain’t with that
Squad blunts
Hell Nah bitch u can’t hit that
Young bulls
Where them OGs and the pimps at
Land of Milwaukee
Bankrolls and some Brewers cap
Super sonic
Flow been astronomic
Fuck her in her bonnet
Chilly know its guaranteed heat
If ya boy on it

[Hook]
Get love
Always show it back
But they been throwing darts
So I been holding back
I Exercise my mind
While keep the golden Raps
We gone cut the lies
And overload with facts

Please
Don’t play dumb dumb dumb
Muthafucka please Don’t play dumb dumb dumb
Please Don’t play dumb dumb dumb
Muthafuckha please don’t play dumb
(Na na na)
Get love
Always show it back
But they been throwing darts
So I been holding back
I Exercise my mind
While keep the golden Raps
We gone cut the lies
And overload with facts

Please
Don’t play dumb dumb dumb
Muthafucka please Don’t play