No One Is Fucking on Netflix’s New Reality Show, Either

Sorry but did Netflix know coronavirus was coming? If not, please explain the timing of Tiger King. And now, as millions quarantining without sexual partners hit their fifth week of celibacy (or digital substitutes), how Netflix just dropped a reality TV show all about sexual frustration.

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Too Hot to Handle is based on the Boomer-ish premise that young people’s fast and casual relationship to sex has devalued intimacy and commitment. So they dropped ten of “the hottest, horniest, commitment-phobic swipesters” in a beachside mansion where no one’s allowed to fuck, to see if they can be cured. No one can so much as kiss, and the group’s $100,000 ($10,000 each) cash prize depreciates if they do. The contestants, blissfully under no pretenses of having been chosen for anything besides their looks, arrive on the island unaware of the twist. Twelve hours in, they’re informed by the Alexa-ish device that serves as host that any thirsty behavior will cost the group: kissing docks $3,000, sex costs $20,000.

Too Hot To Handle on Instagram: “There are conditions to your stay here. Meet the singletons: @brycehirschberg @chloeveitchofficial @david.birtwistle @francescafarago…”

Compulsory chastity and society-wide consequences if you break the rules… sound familiar? Reality TV life already has a lot in common quarantine: social isolation with a group of people you likely didn’t choose deliberately, the urge to stir up just drama for no reason, etc. The only difference is they’re not allowed to masturbate. And we know we’re only getting $1,200 to begin with.

Netflix became a reality TV juggernaut with The Circle and Love is Blind. This new creation seems to combine their secret ingredient — a pseudo-sociological twist — with the other recent winning strategy of late (re: Love Island): accents. Contestants are plucked from all over the UK, Australia and America. Just based on the trailer, besides watching hot horny people shame their hornier, weaker lessers for a lack of control, the accents constitute a good chunk of the entertainment.

Related | Here’s Why ‘Love Is Blind’s Cameron and Lauren Look So Good Together

Too Hot to Handle seems destined for virality, but can watching people not fuck really be as gratifying than watching them do it? Does watching the show from our weird social experiment mean we’ll relate to our hotter, blueballed counterparts? Will the internet’s horny solidarity become unstoppable? Or, will the show make us more sexually frustrated than ever? Sadly, it’s Friday and we have nothing better to do than find out.

Screenshot via Netflix

Big Shaq – Man’s Not Hot (MC Mix) Lyrics

[Intro: Big Shaq]
Big Shaq (the one and only)
I told them check the statistacs
Man’s not hot
Skrrat, skidi-kat-kat

[Verse 1: Big Shaq]
Two plus two is four
Minus one that’s three, quick maths
Everyday man’s on the block
Smoke trees
See your girl in the park
That girl is a uckers
When the ting went quack-quack-quack
You man were ducking (remix ting)

[Verse 2: Lethal Bizzle]
Five plus five is ten
Add a quick M, that’s my net worth
Every day I drink Shocker
Get burse
See your girl in my Rolls
Snapchat, doing thot pose
Two twos, now she in the back
No clothes
Hold tight Muttley (my brudda)
He’s got the flavors
Hold tight Damon (my G)
He’s got the shavers
You might see me creep through the ends (creeping)
No Benz (nah)
Hit Western Fried (quick)
Go check couple friends
My ting goes papow
Papow, pow-pow-pow
Quasiah, pow-pow-pow-pow-pow
Leave it

[Chorus: Big Shaq]
I tell her man’s not hot (never hot)
I tell her man’s not hot (never hot)
The girl told me, “Take off your jacket”
I said, “Babes, man’s not hot” (never hot)

[Verse 3: Chip]
Chippy, ayy
Hopped out the four door with the .44
Stop lying, you ain’t got no mash
Better fix them fiction raps
Man tell lies, facts (trust me)
Man get silly on mic (wah’gwan)
So man get drilly on guys (brrrt)
I don’t care about a million views
You’ll get blasted a million times (boom)
Man buss mic and break rules (rules)
I got wordplay gems and jewels (jewels)
In the club in my jacket and all this ice
Like man’s not hot, man’s cool (flex)
League of my own
Don’t care about titles, don’t mind rivals, I (baow)
Bring a storm like Michael
Bad like Michael, dapper like Michael
In Hollywood doing ten toes (out ‘ere)
Dressed like a London bloke (sauce)
Out here, you can’t find no wife (nah)
It’s just thots and skets and hoes (mad ting)
And the Cali’s just hitting my dome (dome)
I’m too high man, I gotta go home (go yard)
Gang book flights and go
Man already know how this ting goes (yeah)

[Refrain: Big Shaq]
The ting goes skrrrahh (ah)
Pap, pap, ka-ka-ka (ka)
Skidiki-pap-pap (pap)
And a pu-pu-pudrrrr-boom (boom)

[Verse 3: Krept]
Me plus your girl in a bed
Equals sperm in her egg, quick science
She swallowed that too
Quick diets (mad ting)
You ain’t fully on arms
You ain’t fully on wars
Oi Shaq, heard your ting went quack
My ting went woof-woof-woof and hit one of your dargs (Asnee)
Less jokes, more bars in
Dem man ain’t on warrin’
Man jump out, no warnin’
Man ah start mmmin’ and arghin’
Kojo Funds, dun talkin’
Skidiki pop-pop, man’s sparring
They went Dagenham
Only time man’s been on barking
Krept’s so wrong, if I was on Love Island
Woulda tried beat Jess, no ‘dom
I don’t wanna dead no beef
I don’t want to sort it out (hold tight Dave)
The ting goes skrrrahh
Mind how you talk in south (brilliant)
Hold tight Femz (free up)
He was on mayhem
Like 15, on a 410 bus
With a skeng doe, tryna do AMs (mad, mad, mad)

[Verse 4: Konan]
Your girl don’t wanna let me go
Must be the Versace
Now she getting D in a car
Listening to Cardi
My young boy got it in a party
3-6-5 no days off
If I aim it that way
I’ll bet your boys all take off (that way)
All I see is clowns and neeks
Leave a boy counting shee
Mum told me count to 10
Before I put a boy down in street
I hear them talkin’ bout war
Make sure you’re sure
I call my young boy Jay-Z
What you think he’s got the .44 for?
Girls say, “look at his watch”
Girls say, “look at his watch” (look at it)
All this ice on my top
Man could never be hot (never)
I told him gimme all three
Like I get it all free (gimme that)
My weed man from Ghana (chale)
All he do is talk tree

[Chorus: Big Shaq]
I tell her man’s not hot (never hot)
I tell her man’s not hot (never hot)
The girl told me, “Take off your jacket”
I said, “Babes, man’s not hot” (never hot)

[Verse 5: Jme]
Serious, yeah, you know the line
Man thought I can only flow to grime
Speed equals distance over time
When man said “quick maths”, that came to mind
Man like me get flashed and pay the fine
Pay that, card or cash, it ain’t declined
If they told you that I weren’t hot
Trust me, fam, that’s a lie
Fuck that, man’s hot
0-60 in the whip man’s got
Burning rubber like mum’s Dutch pot
Smells like Michelin or Dunlop
Dem man are listening, but I’m not
Don’t want to hear about some cunch spot
With Skutnu or Oosna, man run shop
Used to roll with man with a one pop
Now I spit bars and sound like gunshots
I tell a man “get back”
Or I’ll slap that black flat cap
Don’t give me backchat
Chatting poop, look, come out the room
Left hook, you’re shook, now boom
You don’ know

[Chorus: Big Shaq]
I tell her man’s not hot, I tell her man’s not hot
The girl told me, “Take off your jacket”
I said, “Babes, man’s not hot” (never hot)
I tell her man’s not hot (never hot)
I tell her man’s not hot (never hot)
The girl told me, “Take off your jacket”
I said, “Babes, man’s not hot” (never hot)

[Refrain: Big Shaq]
The ting goes skrrrahh (ah)
Pap, pap, ka-ka-ka (ka)
Skidiki-pap-pap (pap)
And a pu-pu-pudrrrr-boom (boom)
Skya (ah), du-du-ku-ku-dun-dun (dun)
Poom, poom, you don’ know

[Outro: Big Shaq]
Big Shaq
Man’s not hot
I tell her man’s not hot (never hot)
40 degrees and man’s not hot (come on)
Yo, in the sauna
Man’s not hot (never hot)
Yeah, skidika-pap-pap